Who enjoys a conversation, where mid-way through, you realize the person you’re talking to is distracted and not even listening properly? Not many would say yes. These 5 simple ways to become a better listener will help you improve your skills immediately.
They’re on their phone, checking social media, or perhaps just pondering what’s on the menu for dinner tonight. The point is – nobody likes it when they’re not being heard and not being listened to. I’m sure that most of us are guilty of it from time to time.
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Listening is an art that requires attention. It builds connection and trust.
The reason I’m sharing 5 simple ways to become a better listener is that when we can improve our skills, we will build better connections and relationships in life. Ultimately, it is something that will help you in all walks of life.
1. Ask open-ended questions
What do we mean by this?
In short, it means to ask a question that requires more than a single word response. By doing this, it gives depth to the conversation and naturally allows the person to open up with their reply.
For example – “How old are you?”, “Do you like coffee?” “What’s your favorite type of car?” These questions don’t give the person a chance to say much back other than a few words. They are still essential questions in conversations, but if we don’t expand much beyond that, then communication won’t get too far.
An open-ended question would enable space to open up and allow the person to think about the answer.
For example – “What are your plans this weekend?”, “Where can you see yourself in 10 years from now?” “Can you tell me about your experience at that restaurant you went to last night?”
These questions allow the person to think and respond with a more exciting answer.
In essence, you’re evoking a state of curiosity. This approach will show the person that you genuinely care, as long as you listen to their response.
2. Listen with curiosity and an open mind
We tend to look at things in life with our perspective and beliefs. Doing so limits possibilities and could become a problem if we don’t respect someone else’s model of the world. An open mind and curiosity will put you in a great place to learn something and allow you to grow.
Life can’t give to you if your hands are closed. Open your mind, open your heart, and open your arms. – Louise Hay
There are moments when specific “touchy” topics will arise. And you may well disagree with someone’s perspective on a particular subject, but I would still encourage curiosity. Why do they feel that way? I wonder what the story is behind that?
You see, we don’t always have to agree with someone to connect. Being wholly closed off will not result in growth and deeper connections.
3. Listen to hear them
This may sound like a strange thing to say, but I’d argue that most people listen and then become too eager to reply without fully listening to what the person is saying.
Here, listening doesn’t come from a place of wholeness; it comes from interference by the ego. It’s essential to try and relax and truly listen to what the person is saying without all of the mental chatter and internal irritations, begging us to speak.
Much of this comes from the inner state that we’re currently experiencing. And so, conflict of some kind, or a stressful situation, will often make this difficult because of anxiety and fears.
I remember in past relationships when there was an issue, and I would panic with my insecurities coming to the surface. For me, a problem needed to be “fixed” because it meant some type of disaster in my mind. Many men fall into this trap in relationships because we like being “fixers,” but it often doesn’t work. Most of the time, even if there is a problem, your partner just wants to be heard and understood – not fixed. But that’s a topic for another day!
Read: The Number 1 Reason Why Relationships Fail
You wish to show that you’re listening and show that you care
4. Seek clarification if need be
It’s surprising how many times we may not fully understand or hear what someone is saying, and we just go along with it. Or, we think we heard correctly, but have a different internal representation of the conversation.
The simplest thing to improve any confusion and to maintain rapport is to ask honestly for clarification if you don’t understand what was said.
“I heard you say …., I just wanted to clarify if this is what you meant so we’re on the same page?”
It is simple, but it keeps the conversation in sync, and it also affirms to the other person that you’re paying attention.
5. Pick up on the nonverbal cues
Go beyond the standard conversation and pick up on other subtleties, such as the tonality of their voice. Additionally, pay close attention to their body language, posture, eye movements, and any other subtle changes that may give you a better sense of rapport.
(You can learn more about nonverbal communication in this article.)
If you have a well-developed intuition, this will also help you gain greater awareness. I have found this to be particularly useful when dating.
Remember that actual verbal communication is only a small piece of the bigger picture. We have more senses than just our ears. But learning to pick up on other parts of the communication will develop with practice, and you’ll improve over time.
Conclusion
Hopefully, you can now start applying some of these ways to become a better listener and begin to see the benefits in your own life.